Many human activities began as social ones and were shared and with time got transformed into individual and personal ones. This happened especially with the media and technologies. Two examples: transportation, where cars (which are mostly used as a means of personal transportation) imposed themselves on other forms of travel; and the media, where TV, for instance, started being viewed collectively, went on to a TV set for every family, then to one for every single member of the family.

At the root of this there are obvious commercial reasons: the more a product becomes invidividual the more the sales. But this is not the only reason. Commercial needs are coemergent with psychic transformation – the one affects the other. The tendency toward individuality also develops in areas which were “traditionally planned” to be shared.

One of those is sexuality.  Masturbation is an evergreen activity, but it hasn’t always been accepted historically. It has been condemned for a long time, mostly through religious rulings, even scaring boys that it would make them blind. Even though masturbation is still not socially accepted in many parts of the world, especially for women, during the so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s women established a more direct and aware relationship with their bodies, which included the right to masturbate withour guilt feelings.

But then, as anything which starts as counterculture and a spontaneous social movement, once it becomes somewhat accepted in the mainstream, it then becomes part of the economy, which makes products out of it.

Masturbation is expanding. Among the reasons is the AIDS emergency which produces suspicion compared to the “golden years” of free love; another one is the fast growth of singles and in general of short-term relationships.

Thus a big market is being opened, a market made of objects, porn, sex toys of the more variegate kinds, even remote-controlled and technologically complex sex machines, the Rolls Royce of sex toys. This phenomenon can be creative, fun, and liberating, but at the same time marks an anthropological transformation.

At first glance it seems that sex is becoming technological, but actually it is technology which in the process of digitalization of reality is assimilating human activities more and more. Social life is moving in a digital realm through social networks, the search of a partner and sexual meetings through the dating sites sites, and human biology is seen as a long list of DNA codes.

Becoming part of the big hotchpotch of technology, sex in turn is becoming “personal” and “at click range,” where pleasure, according to what technology offers, has to be immediate, personalized, with various options and, of course, efficient: a guaranteed and quick orgasm. A long wait for orgasm would be as annoying as waiting for a website with a slow Internet connection.

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Molte attività umane sono iniziate come sociali e condivise e nel tempo si sono trasformate in individuali e personali. Questo è avvenuto in particolare per i media e le tecnologie. Due esempi per tutti: il trasporto, dove l’automobile si è imposta sulle altre forme di trasporto ed è perlopiù utlizzata come forma di trasporto personale, e i media, dove ad esempio la televisione, iniziata in forma di visione collettiva, è passata ad una televisione per ogni famiglia e poi ad una per ogni componente del nucleo familiare.

Alla base di questo vi sono ovviamente ragioni commerciali per le quali più un prodotto diviene individuale maggiori sono le vendite, ma non è la sola ragione. Le necessità commerciali sono coemergenti con la trasformazione della psiche, l’una influenza l’altra. La tendenza verso l’individualità si sviluppa anche su aree che erano “tradizionalmente progettati” per la condivisione.

Una di queste è la sessualità. La masturbazione è un’attività sempreverde ma non è sempre stata accettata nella storia. Perlopiù tramite dettami religiosi, è stata condannata per lungo tempo, fino al punto di terrorizzare i ragazzi dicendo loro che sarebbero diventati ciechi. Anche se in molte parti del mondo la masturbazione non è tutt’ora accettata socialmente, in particolare per le donne, durante la cosiddetta rivoluzione sessuale degli anni ’60 e ’70 le donne hanno instaurato una relazione più diretta e consapevole con i loro corpi, includendo in questa il diritto a masturbarsi senza sensi di colpa.

Ma poi, come qualsiasi cosa che inizia come controcultura a partire da un movimento sociale spontaneo, nel momento in cui diventa un minimo accettata, entra come parte dell’economia e vengono creati dei prodotti al riguardo.

Ecco che si apre allora tutto un mercato fatto di oggetti, pornografia, sex toys delle specie più variegate, anche con il controllo remoto via Internet da parte del partner, e sex machines ingegneristicamente complesse, le Rolls Royce dei sex toys. Il fenomeno può risultare creativo, divertente e liberatorio, ma allo stesso tempo segna una trasformazione antropologica.

A prima vista sembra che il sesso stia diventando tecnologico, ma in realtà è la tecnologia che nel suo processo di digitalizzazione della realtà sta assorbendo sempre più  attività umane. La vita sociale si sposta in un ambito digitale con i social networks, la ricerca del partner e degli incontri sessuali sui siti appositi, e la biologia umana viene vista come una lunga lista di codici DNA.

Diventando parte del gran calderone della tecnologia, il sesso a sua volta si sta rendendo “personal” e “a portata di clic”, dove il piacere, secondo le offerte della tecnologia, dev’essere immediato, personalizzato, con opzioni variegate e naturalmente, efficiente: l’orgasmo deve essere garantito e veloce. Una lunga attesa per l’orgasmo diventerebbe fastidiosa quanto l’attesa di un sito web con una lenta connessione ad Internet.

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Titled “Now You Can Have a Partner that will Always Hit Your Spot, Anytime You Want, for as Long as You Want”  this site is just one of the thousands which sell sex toys or more sophisticated sex machines. The way they introduce their creations is symbolic of the inner mechanisms which are triggered by the tool (the parts between parentheses are my comments).

Obviously, you deserve all the pleasure you can get. But human partners can sometimes let you down. If you find yourself wishing your lover or lovers were more dependable or more available, may we suggest one that will get you off anytime, every time.

(Technology is great in giving control, so why deal with the ups and downs of your lover or lovers? You can decide when, how and how long you want to get pleasure. And if you feel unworthy since none of the lovers satisfy you, or if you think they are all wimps with no passion, now you can get the perfect partner!)

Monkey Rocker™ is one of the best innovations in self-pleasuring since the vibrator. It’s a rocking seat with a special pivoting thrust arm assembly which holds and thrusts a wide variety of sex toys.

(We are updated, this is vibrator 2.0 with even more options and features.)

Though it can’t hug you back, or cuddle, it’s perfectly understandable for you to develop feelings for your Monkey Rocker.™ After all, from the moment you remove it from the unmarked box it arrives in, your Monkey Rocker™ is ready and eager to please you. Just attach the handle assembly and your favorite dildo, and it’s ready to play.

(You could develop feelings for it…and don’t feel guilty…“it’s perfectly understandable.”)

In fact, with no motors to plug in or breakdown, your Monkey Rocker™ is always ready to play. You and your fantasies are in complete control. Monkey Rocker™ relies entirely on your movement to do all of its thrusting. You set the pace. Quick short strokes, long and deep, or anything in between. It’s all about you. No guilt, no risk, no one’s getting hurt.

(Perfect control through the machine, no need to be receptive and open to anybody, you are finally empowered! And you can surrender to the machine with no shame or guilt.)

This is going to be one relationship with NO learning curve. With its wide, stable base, and smooth gliding movement, you’re going to feel right at home from the first time you climb on. Settle in, grab the handle if you want, then grab yourself or your magic wand or a nearby human partner, anything you have in mind, Monkey Rocker™ is ready to deliver.

(…grab yourself or your magic wand or a nearby human partner, anything you have “in mind”…Looks like the world, human beings included, are creations of our mind, at our control as in a video game.)

YOU can scream if you like, but Monkey Rocker™ won’t make a sound. If you can keep YOUR sound level down, total privacy is yours.

(Those annoying moans and screams of my partner… and what will the neighburs think? Maybe they’ll suspect that I have sex with a…oh my God…with a human being? And now I can scream as much as I want without feeling a slut.)

And when you’re done, you’re done. That’s it. Your Monkey Rocker™ doesn’t have any expectations. Your Monkey Rocker™ will never berate you for taking too long, coming too soon, leaving suddenly, staying out all night, talking too much, drinking too much or seeing other machines. And no matter how big or small it is, your Monkey Rocker™ loves your ass. Back it on up. Bring it on. You never have to wonder what it REALLY thinks of you; your Monkey Rocker™ LOVES you! And is always ready to prove it.

(No need to feel unworthy or vulnerable. This machine will accept you unconditionally, even your fat ass. This is the mark of real love.)

The producers say that the tool can be used with a partner as well, for instance:

If your partner’s sexual appetite exceeds yours, don’t let her frustration slowly poison your relationship with resentment. There’s a good chance your partner would be delighted to have something like Monkey Rocker™ to help keep her satisfied. Compared to cheating or divorce, the cost is far less and the potential for happiness is much greater.

(Looks like a great investment!)

Or:

Another possible advantage is reducing your performance anxiety. If you’re not certain you’ll be able to satisfy her, Monkey Rocker™ can. And she’ll think better of you that you care enough about her satisfaction to have a backup ready.

(You can now out source your sexual acts to the machine, which will take care of her satisfaction, as a “backup”.)

The sex machine shuts up in a single hit every superego voices. The superego is the inner judge and the inner controller which limits our free and authentic expression. Furthermore, the sex machine it avoids the difficulties of facing our vulnerabilities, avoids the fear of not feeling accepted, and the difficulties in showing our desire candidly to our partner.

Sexuality involves complex psychological processes regarding guilt, shame, and our sense of limits. Even the intensity of a passionate gaze or surrendering to pleasure can be difficult to include fully in our sexuality with a partner. But those are exactly the difficulties which have to be crossed to integrate our humanity, intensity, and ability to relate in depth through sex.

Even though sex machines can work for couples too, basically they are made for masturbation which, added to cybersex through chats and webcams, makes solo sex a growing activity, even though mediated by sex toys, sex machines or by a chat window and a webcam.

People can have different opinions about masturbation but in this activity there’s an opportunity as well for the brave souls who dare to go into their depths.

Self-love can become a tantric practice. Practicing with sexual energy without a partner, through breathing techniques, meditation and solo sex techniques has been a spiritual path in certain tantric traditions to reach the source of sexual energy, which, refined and transformed, is the same source of love, awareness, and spiritual energy. Through tantra we can understand that we ourselves are the source of sexual energy and that the other is just triggering what is already in us. Then, at the deepest tantric levels, there isn’t anymore me, you, or the attraction between us: all connect in a global Oneness (or in a cosmic orgy if we prefer it this way).

So in a way, whether the partner is a human being or a sex toy or if the sex act is mediated by cybersex doesn’t change much for our path to discovery. With human beings we are more emotionally engaged and this brings us to project on them our object relationships (parent figures mostly), our expectations, our ego, our sense of worth or worthlessness. The less emotionally engaging the sexual relationship is, the less projections we’ll have toward the other and the more the attention we can give to our inner movements, to our reactions and the flow of sexual energy. After all the Monkey Rocker presentation hit a deeper truth (though I doubt the authors of the text are into tantric philosophy).

The question is: does relating sexually with objects or through the Internet bring a larger awareness of our sexuality and of the self in general, or is an object relationship being created even with objects and media? At first glance, I’d say the second hypothesis, since the Net’s modalities of fruition leave little space to a 180-degree turn of attention from the screen to inner life.

The sensation is that the technological way toward sexuality and the expansion of sex toys share the same attributes which give technological gadgets their fascination: control (cybersex can be stopped at any moment with a simple click; sex toys for every taste, options to manipulate sensations); predictability (differently from a person with his complexities); independence (technology feeds the feeling or the illusion or freedom, technological sex doesn’t need to become attached to anybody or have any continuity); speed (going straight to pleasure and orgasm avoiding delays). Also, it quickly brings back energy to the body and its sensations somehow balance the stressful use of the mind in the information society.

Technological sex is part of the more general drive to find an answer to human needs translating them into digital and wanting to upgrade ourselves, feelings and sensations included, through technology. Those “superpowers” seem a reflection on the mental plane of the self-awareness and the metamorphosis capacities we can acquire through a path of self-knowledge. But the pursuit for qualities is directed toward the external, being through technological gadgets or DNA manipulation.

The sex machine site writes: “Though it can’t hug you back, or cuddle, it’s perfectly understandable for you to develop feelings for your Monkey Rocker.” Relating with objects we can substitute an object relationship that is part of human sharing, in this case sex and the feelings associated with it, with a machine or an object. In Japan, where the first uses of robots to take care of and give company to elders are beginning, it has been noticed that the users were developing feelings for them.

What happens when such a technological approach toward deep human needs, which involve care, affection and sexuality are mediated by machines? What happens when this approach toward sexuality is the first and maybe the only one by a cybervirgin?

What happens when all social indicators are saying that people have less and less real intimate and trustful connections in real life, when East and West societes are sharing the same alienation and when sex machines and robots are coming into our lifes?

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Con il titolo “Ora puoi avere un partner che raggiungerà sempre il tuo punto, quando vuoi e per tutto il tempo che vuoi”, questo sito è solo uno delle migliaia che vendono sex toy o più elaborate sex machines. Il modo in cui introducono le loro creazioni è simbolico dei meccanismi interiori che vengono attivati fallo strumento. Le parti tra parentesi sono i miei commenti.

Ovviamente, ti meriti tutto il piacere che puoi ottenere. Ma i partner umani qualche volta possono deluderti. Se ti trovi a desiderare che il tuo amante o i tuoi amanti fossero più affidabili o più disponibili, possiamo suggerirtene uno che ti farà decollare ogni volta, tutte le volte.

(La tecnologia è grande per fornire controllo, quindi perché mai avere a che fare con gli alti e i bassi dei tuoi amanti? Puoi decidere quando, come e quanto a lungo vuoi godere. E se non ti senti abbastanza attraente per il fatto che nessun amante ti può soddisfare, oppure se pensi che siano tutti degli imbranati senza passione, ora puoi avere il partner perfetto!)

Monkey Rocker™ è una delle migliori innovazioni per la masturbazione dall’invenzione del vibratore. E’ un sedile oscillante com un perno speciale di spinta che sostiene e spinge un’ampia varietà di giocattoli sessuali.

(Siamo aggiornati, questo è il vibratore 2.0 che ha ancora più opzioni e possibilità)

Anche se non può ricambiare un abbraccio o coccolarti, è perfettamente comprensibile se provi dei sentimenti per il tuo Monkey Rocker.™ Dopotutto, dal momento in cui lo togli dalla scatola senza dicitura in cui arriva, il tuo Monkey Rocker™ è pronto e desideroso di soddisfarTI.

(Potresti provare dei sentimenti… e non sentirti in colpa… “è perfettamente comprensibile”)

Infatti, senza motori da collegare o che si possano guastare, il tuo Monkey Rocker™ è sempre pronto per te. Tu e le tue fantasie sono in completo controllo. Monkey Rocker™ si basa interamente sui tuoi movimenti perché effetti le sue spinte. Tu definisci il ritmo. Colpi veloci e corti, lunghi e profondi, o qualsiasi via di mezzo. Dipende interamente da te. Nessun senso di colpa, nessun rischio, nessuno che si faccia male.

(Controllo perfetto tramite la macchina, nessun bisogno di essere recettivi o aperti verso nessuno, finalmente hai il tuo potere! E puoi abbandonarti alla macchina senza sensi di colpa né vergogna)

Questa è una relazione senza una curva di apprendimento. Con i suoi movimento ampi, stabili e fluidi, ti sentirai a casa dal primo momento in cui ci salirai sopra. Mettiti in comodità, se vuoi afferra la maniglia, quindi afferrati, o afferra la tua bacchetta magica oppure un partner umano nei pressi, qualsiasi cosa che ti passa per la mente,  Monkey Rocker™ è pronto per la consegna.

(afferrati, o afferra la tua bacchetta magica oppure un partner umano nei pressi, qualsiasi cosa che ti passa “per la mente”… Sembra come se il mondo, esseri umani compresi, siano creazioni della nostra mente, sotto il nostro controllo come in un video game).

TU puoi urlare se ti va, ma Monkey Rocker™ non emetterà un suono. Se tu puoi tenere il TUO livello di suono basso, avrai una privacy totale.

(Questi fastidiosi gemiti e urla del partner…  e cosa penseranno i vicini? Magari penseranno che sto facendo sesso con… oh mio Dio… con un essere umano? Anche, ora posso urlare quanto voglio senza sentirmi una troia)

E quando hai finito, hai finito. Questo è tutto. Il tuo Monkey Rocker™ non ha alcuna aspettativa. Il tuo Monkey Rocker™ non ti rimprovererà mai per metterci troppo tempo, venire troppo alla svelta, andartene d’improvviso, stare fuori tutta la notte, parlare troppo, bere troppo, o frequentare altre macchine. E, a prescindere che sia grande o piccolo, il tuo Monkey Rocker™ ama il tuo sedere. Dacci dentro. Mettilo in azione. Not avrai mai bisogno di chiderti cosa VERAMENTE pensi di te; il tuo Monkey Rocker™ TI AMA! Ed è sempre pronto per dimostrartelo.

(Nessun bisogno di provare senso di inadeguatezza o vulnerabilità. Questa macchina ti accetterà incondizionatamente, compreso il tuo grande sedere. Questo è il segno del vero amore.)

I produttori affermano che lo strumento può essere usato anche con un partner, ad esempio:

Se l’appetito sessuale del tuo partner supera il tuo, non fare in modo che la sua frustrazione avveleni la relazione con i risentimenti. C’è una buona possibilità che il tuo partner si possa rallegrare dall’avere qualcosa come Monkey Rocker™ per aiutarla nella sua soddisfazione. In confronto all’inganno o al divorzio, il costo è molto minore e la potenzialità di felicità è molto maggiore.

(Sembra un grande investimento!)

oppure

Un altro possibile vantaggio è quello di ridurre le tue ansie da performance. Se non sei certo di poterla soddisfare, Monkey Rocker™ può. E lei avrà una migliore opinione di te perché tu ti prendi cura della sua soddisfazione avendo un backup a disposizione.

(Ora puoi esternalizzare i tuoi atti sessuali verso la macchina che si prenderà cura della sua soddisfazione, come un “backup”)

La macchina da sesso zittisce in un colpo solo tutte le voci del superego. Il superego è il giudice e controllore interiore che limita la nostra libertà e la nostra espressione autentica. Inoltre la macchina da sesso evita il dover vedersi la propria vulnerabilità, evita il timore di essere accettato ed evita la difficoltà nel manifestare il proprio desiderio in modo chiaro di fronte al partner.

La sessualità coinvolge processi psichici complessi che riguardano i sensi di colpa, la vergogna e il nostro senso dei limiti. Anche la stessa l’intensità di uno sguardo appassionato o l’abbandonarsi pienamente al piacere possono essere atti difficili da includere nella propria sessualità. Ma sono esattamente queste le difficoltà da attraversare per integrare la nostra umanità, intensità e capacità di relazionarci profondamente tramite il sesso.

Anche se le macchine per il sesso possono essere utilizzate dalle coppie, fondamentalmente sono strumenti per la masturbazione i quali, aggiunti ai cibersesso tramite le chat e le webcam, fa sì che il sesso da soli sia un’attività in crescita, anche se è mediato da oggetti tipo sex toys o da una finestra di chat sul computer o una webcam.

La gente ha diverse opinioni a riguardo della masturbazione, ma in questa atttività c’è anche per chi ha coraggio, l’opportunità di entrare nella propria profondità.

Il sesso con se stessi può diventare una pratica tantrica. Lavorare con l’energia sessuale senza un  partner, attraverso tecniche di respiro, meditazione e sesso in solitaria in alcune tradizioni tantriche ha rappresentato un percorso per raggiungere la sorgente dell’energia sessuale, la quale, quando viene raffinata e trasformata, è la stessa sorgente dell’amore, della consapevolezza e dell’energia spirituale. Tramite il tantra possiamo comprendere che siamo la sorgente stessa dell’energia sessuale e che l’altro dà solamente l’avvio a ciò che è già presente in noi stessi. Poi, a livelli più profondi tantrici, non esiste più alcun me, te e neppure l’attrazione tra di noi, tutto si connette in un’unità globale (o in un’orgia cosmica se la si vuole vedere in questo modo).

In un certo senso, che il partner sia un essere umano o un sex toy, o se l’atto sessuale viene mediato dal cibersesso, non cambia per il nostro percorso di scoperta. Con gli esseri umani siamo più coinvolti emozionalmente e questo ci porta a proiettare in loro i nostri oggetti di relazione (primariamente le figure genitoriali), le nostre aspettative, il nostro ego, il nostro senso di aver o non avere valore.  Se la relazione sessuale è emozionalmente meno coinvolgente, ci saranno meno proiezioni verso l’altro e potremo dare più attenzione ai movimenti interiori, alle nostre reazioni e al flusso dell’energia sessuale. Dopotutto la presentazione del Monkey Rocker ha toccato una verità più profonda, anche se dubito che gli autori del testo siano interessati alla filosofia tantrica.

La domanda quindi è: il rapportarsi sessualmente con oggetti e tramite Internet porta ad una maggiore consapevolezza della propria energia sessuale e di sé in generale, oppure si crea un oggetto di relazione anche con gli oggetti e i mezzi? In prima battuta sarei più per la seconda ipotesi, in quanto le modalità di fruizione della Rete lasciano poco spazio ad un giro di 180 gradi dell’attenzione, dallo schermo all’interiorità.

L’impressione è che la via tecnologica verso la sessualità e l’espansione dell’uso di sex toys abbia gli stessi attributi che danno ai gadget tecnologici il loro fascino: controllo (cybersesso che può essere terminato con un semplice clic, sex toys per tutti i gusti, opzioni per manipolare le sensazioni), prevedibilità (a differenza di una persona con le sue complessità), indipendenza (la tecnologia alimenta il senso o l’illusione di libertà, il sesso tecnologico non richiede attaccamenti o una continuità), velocità (andare al sodo del piacere senza perdite di tempo). Anche, riporta l’energia al corpo e alle sue sensazioni in modo rapido per equilibrare in qualche modo l’uso stressante della mente nella società dell’informazione.

Il sesso tecnologico fa parte della più generale spinta a trovare una risposta alle necessità umane traducendole in digitale e volendo fare un “upgrade” di noi stessi, comprese emozioni e sensazioni, tramite le tecnologia. Questi “superpoteri” sembrano un riflesso sul piano della mente della  consapevolezza di noi stessi e delle capacità di metamorfosi che vengono date da un percorso di conoscenza interiore. Ma la ricerca delle qualità viene rivolta verso l’esterno, che sia tramite gadget tecnologici o la manipolazione del DNA.

Il sito della sex machine scrive che “Anche se non può ricambiare un abbraccio o coccolarti, è perfettamente comprensibile se provi dei sentimenti per il tuo Monkey Rocker.” Relazionandoci con gli oggetti possiamo sostituire un oggetto di relazione di qualcosa che fa parte dello scambio umano, in questo caso il sesso con le sue emozioni, con una macchina o un oggetto. In Giappone, dove si iniziano i primi utilizzi del robot per prendersi cura e tenere compagnia agli anziani, è stato notato che gli utilizzatori sviluppano sentimenti per essi.

Cosa succede quanto un tale approccio tecnologico verso i bisogni profondi umani, che coinvolgono  cura, affetto e sessualità sono meduati ma macchine? Cosa avviene quando questo approccio verso la sessualità è il primo e magari l’unico da parte di una cibervergine?

Cosa succede quando quando tutti gli indicatori sociali stanno dicendo che le persone hanno sempre meno connessioni intime e di fiducia nella vita reale, quando l’Oriente e l’Occidente sono accomunati dalla stessa alienazione e quando le macchine da sesso e i robots entrano nella nostra vita?

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The tendency of spreading sex has been adopted by many magazines of large circulation and by other media such as TV and Internet news sites. Magazines with large circulation have a well-defined and advertised section of “tips, tricks and secrets” concerning sex. It reminds me of the time when I was publishing computer science books where the tricks of using the software were revealed.

Apart from the fact that communication about sex has become technicized, giving space for tricks and the advice of “experts,” perhaps for exorcising the intense and inner engaging nature of sexuality, it remains a fact that sexual messages are present in a pervasive way in every media. It seems that the world is like a global “Sex and the City” set, made of free and varied sexual meetings. If this can be true in some areas of the world, the planetary diffusion of sexual messages culturally does not find much similarity worldwide. The reality is that at least two-thirds of the world lives in a rather restrictive, traditional, and sometimes even very repressive culture regarding sex.

The massive process of worldwide urbanization caused the appearance of a growing number of singles not only in the West but even in every emerging country, especially in Asia and the Middle East. In Shanghai, Delhi, Seoul, Bangkok, Dubai, Manila or Jakarta, the growing class of office employees is formed mainly of women, connected to the Internet.

They often live alone or with female roommates, are members of Internet social networks and dating sites, like Western women. During breaks at work they chat and a growing percentage connects to the Net from home also. This seems to be the lifestyle of many women in the West, but there is a fundamental difference: they live in a traditional society as far as sexual roles are concerned. Even though some countries, like Thailand, are well-known for their hot night life, the majority of people follow very traditional behavior and lifestyles.

As a contrast to their upbringing, a culture without filters can sneak through their computer screen (which has almost nothing to do with tradition) of virtual meetings, erotic chats and porno sites, sometimes extreme ones. The ease of getting in contact with anyone through dating sites is a great difference between ordinary reality and what one lives online on the screen. The gap between traditional culture and the online becomes more and more wide because the culture of a whole country evolves more slowly compared to the speed of technological and online transformation. A great dichotomy is being created between the way one should be and appear in a certain manner according to the requirements of traditional culture and what the Net offers.

Thus, peculiar figures are being created on the Net, whom I label cybervirgins: women who have never had real sexual relationships with a man but are sexually active online. We are not speaking about young girls, but college students, employed women, mature women and, it is rather surprising for a Western man to discover that women who are in their 30s or even 40s, in certain cultures, are still virgins if they’ve never had a husband.

The culture of which they are part limits the probability of a single woman meeting men, especially if she is not very young anymore. Added to this, there’s a social formality ruling contacts with the opposite sex and a series of traditional rules of behavior. To all the above we have to add the inner limits due to the superego: superego in terms of self-judgment about their behavior and the fear of being judged by society. Very often this female figure lives alone, far from the original family and feels lonely.

The solution seems to be right at hand. The Internet opens infinite possibilities of meeting, in contrast with the boring life of home and work (much more work in the emerging economies). Self-judgment is partially overcome by the protection given by the screen and by the fact that nobody will come to know anything. The medium helps her to know men, even intimately, of whom she has little experience. Afterward a world of seductions, desires, admissions, eroticism, curiosities, lust, pornography, cybersex through words or the webcam can be opened.

In the 1970s Nancy Friday published hundreds of interviews regarding the fantasies and sexual activities of women, revealing vivid, complex, imaginative, sometimes extreme sexual lives, debunking the cultural myth of those times that women “don’t think about sex that much.” Now the same fantasies can be shared online anonymously, but for a cybervirgin the sensuality and world of lust take place only through the Internet.

Cybervirgins are aware that there is a strong difference with real relationships, even if they have not had any. But after a prolonged experience online there are subtle mental mechanisms which at a certain moment get the upper hand. The nature of the medium itself, even in those who have had their cybersex experiences after many real ones, brings a peculiar attachment to the medium, much more for a cybervirgin. For example, she can define as a boyfriend a man with whom she had only online contacts, and who in turn probably defines himself the same way with other women. In some cases she can become dependent upon porn or cybersex, or masturbate compulsively with variegated sexual fantasies. At other times the extreme nature of some Internet porn creates an inhibitory instead of liberating effect, postponing the meeting with real sex even more.

But most of all the cybervirgin would become attached to the attention given to her in dating sites, to feeling seen, heard, desired and seduced. An email or a message in a dating site becomes the emotion of a love letter, a chat becomes a romantic evening. The process of seduction from the man’s side, which in order to be efficient must be necessarily gentle and respectful of the stages (otherwise just with a single click he can be deleted from her contacts), gratifies and hooks her. Therefore, it becomes possible to share intimately without any shame and to open oneself in manners which can hardly happen in reality. A man on the other hand can have the chance to perfect the art of seduction by learning not to be always impatient and to use words in a way that touch the mind, the emotions and the body.

Basically she is always searching for “the great love” but after a certain time the searching process in itself substitutes the end, which is also less risky for the heart than real meetings. Those few real meetings that she had (if she had any) were mostly unsatisfactory. Remaining in the virtual world she can continue to feed the dream of finding her prince. Because of cultural and religious reasons women have been told to give attention to the “high layers” more than to the body and its feelings. This has fed a world of dreams which sometimes expands in a lack of touch with reality.

There are also the “cybervirgins again”: women separated since years during which they have not had any sexual contact with a man, being busy with children, with their work, and being limited by their traditional societies which do not encourage new meetings. At a certain moment they find themselves with almost independent children as early as 40 years old and with the maturity which makes them more sensual and open. They are strong women who managed to carry on with their family as single mothers, passionate and willing to feel desired again, who find an escape from family and work pressure through the Internet.

The phenomenon of cybervirgins involves young girls as well. Any teenager can access sexual material through the Internet much before getting explicit guidance from the pivotal adults in her life, like parents or teachers. We teach sport to young people, we teach them technologies, culture, arts, but very seldom, even in the most progressive nations, is sexuality faced in an honest and open manner. We guide them step by step enrolling them in the most disparate courses but when it comes to dealing with sexuality, the strongest energy that a human being can meet (apart from meeting the Divine), society leaves them to themselves, abandons them with hypocrisy and cowardice so as not to face themes inconvenient to adults themselves.

Therefore, the first sexual curiosities are satisfied more often through the Internet and as more often than not these continue for some time before having real experiences. I wrote about the female universe because in the dating sites I visited and the people I chat with were mostly females. The masculine world has different modalities of entering the online world, nevertheless complementary in the direction of withdrawing from the reality.

The Internet is nothing new in having the initial approach to sex being mediated by images. This happened in the past as well. When I was a boy there were sex comic strip stories and magazines with sex photos. But it was different, quantitatively (what we could see was very mild compared with what is available today) and, above all, qualitatively (there was no interaction with a real person who probably will never be met).

Furthermore, in most parts of the world pornography did not exist or it could be accessed only in a limited way until a few years ago. The impact of porn is particularly strong in countries which got transformed in a few years from complete obscurity to having a direct entry in the intimacy of their homes. With the Internet an anthropological change is happening which has not yet been fully analyzed. Questionnaires of sociology and psychology do not matter in such a world: it is only possible to know it through having experienced it in first person or by word of mouth between friends. Now, Western and Eastern countries are joined by the same technologies, the same individualism and the same alienation.

In order to understand the impact of this phenomenon on the psyche and on relationships we do not need either judgments of the Internet as a medium, or of the involved people, but an attitude of research without prejudice.

The fundamental questions on this matter are: what happens when sex, an emotional and sensorial experience, in addition to being mental, gets mediated by a screen for a long time predominantly on the mental and visual planes? If this approach to sexuality is the first and the only one for a long time, what type of imprint does it leave on the psyche? What type of relationships with the opposite sex will be shaped in the future? Do Internet cyber-meetings smoothen the way for more open and deep meetings in reality, or do they make us increase the distance more and more from the real which is not familiar and which would involve unknown inner channels?

Orgasms make us vulnerable; they show our intensity and we can let the other hear our deepest screams of pleasure. As a man, it’s beautiful to see and feel the shakti energy of a woman as she has an orgasm. Orgasms trigger the release of many hormones, among them oxytocin that induces feelings of love and bonding. They are good for health and circulation; they can start in the body but expands to the soul, or vice versa, representing a holistic experience for the person. Everybody could list more benefits for themselves.

But… Having “ordinary” orgasms seems not to be enough anymore. Clitoral orgasm is just for beginners. G-spot orgasm, trigasm, multiple orgasms and squirting are all musts now for a woman. Men usually don’t have any problem reaching an orgasm so the frontier for them is to become multi-orgasmic; having a 30-minute orgasm or reaching a prostate orgasm. Oh yes and than orgasms should of course be simultaneous.

I have always loved to experiment and to share intimately and deeply with a partner. However, up until a few years ago, when there wasn’t yet any definition of those different kinds of orgasms, we just felt free to experiment with our bodies and sensations in a playful and passionate way. We were moving from one position to another and from one sensation to another, guided by the gods Eros and Aphrodite.

Now we are required to look for those kinds of orgasms, define and maybe even count them. “Honey did you get that g-spot squirt or was the air-conditioner spilling water”? Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health and other magazines are efficient in telling readers the hot sex trends and the tips that can transform everybody into Gods and Goddesses in the bedroom. That sells!

Nevertheless, if we don’t let our controlling mind relax and if we don’t surrender every goal while having sex, we can’t reach deeper states. There are experiences in life for example: meditation, falling asleep, even defecating or becoming spiritually enlightened, that happen more easily when we are not overly interfering as personalities with goals, when we just let ourselves go. Every woman knows that the harder she tries to have an orgasm more difficult it becomes.

Of course, orgasms can be sparked mechanically as well in many ways. Sex toys are there for that. Nothing wrong with a couple “work-out” orgasm or with sex toys, they can be lot of fun and a great way to get to know our bodies. However, the bliss of being open to Eros is mostly a receptive experience that is being transformed in our culture into a goal-oriented “have to”. Eros can’t guide and transport us anymore, we want to be guided by the how-to’s, as if sex was a technical manual.

Orgasms haven’t moved much from the space they always had in our psyche. In the past (and in part nowadays too) they were confined to the controlling superego in the forms of prohibitions, inhibitions and judgments; now they are still in the judging superego, they just disguised themselves as “have-to”, “the right kind”, “how many”.
I can predict that more new orgasms will be “discovered”: the mind orgasm (then the various brain areas will be more precisely distinguished from each other), the emotional orgasm, the chakra orgasm, probably somebody will write books about it all and will organize workshops. What about “discovering” a DNA orgasm?

In my experience, I can recall that among the best sexual experiences that I had, the presence of having an orgasm wasn’t the main ingredient. I remember a lover that had multiple orgasms while we had sex. So I was puzzled at the beginning when she told me that the best sex she ever had in her life was when we explored our sensuality in a way that didn’t bring her any big O, and not even penetration. I realized then how much emphasis we misguidedly give to orgasm.

Why do we give such importance to climax? One obvious reason is that it feels good but I think there are two main ingredients in how the collective mind works: one is the obsession to finish, to complete, to have a goal. This is a hard obsession that has its roots much deeper than the inception of the industrial age and that will be the subject of a future, longer article.

The second ingredient is, paradoxically, religious. For the Christians, sex is for reproduction, and for this to happen, at least the man needs to climax. Women’s orgasms have been ignored for long time and it is good that female orgams have come out of the closet. However, the masculine need to reach an orgasm and to have a goal have been exported to the other gender without being integrated with other dimensions. Even though most people nowadays consider sex as something that is more an emotional and pleasure-oriented connection than about having babies, the importance of the orgasm tells us that the unconscious association between sex and reproduction is still influencing our approach to sex.

See also:

Eros and the sexualization of society

Google, privacy and the need to be seen